Getting over Rachel

Disclaimer: This is gonna be long, emo-ish, Christian-ish. But I hope this will benefit you in some way.

Who is your Rachel? If you know me, I think you should know who was my Rachel.

Jacob, a character in the Bible, was running for his life cause his brother was trying to kill him, so he ran to his Uncle Laban. Now Uncle Laban had 2 daughters, Leah who probably was a 1 or a 2, and Rachel who was the bees knees or something. Now Jacob had the hots for Rachel, and so when his Uncle wanted to give him a promotion, he requested that he'll work for 7 years and his paycheck increase be Rachel. Uncle Laban, sneaky bastard, said it's better that if I marry her off to you compared to someone else. And apparently 7 years is like totally ridiculous by the standards of those days, and Jacob being swayed by love, totally got ripped off. And the worst part is that after the 7 years, Jacob who thought he was gonna get the girl in the end, got Leah. And after that, he had to work for another 7 years for Rachel.

Reading Counterfeit Gods by Timothy Keller, I have come to realize that she was definitely an idol that I have placed in my life. Looking back, I can see that my thoughts, my actions, my plans all somewhat reflected my desire to be with her. Instead of God being the first motivation in my life, instead of being the first one I think of when I were to decide what steps to take, it was her. She became my God. I was starting to feel that, if I did end up with her, life would be so much better. Life would automatically get straight. And while there's nothing particularly wrong about desiring the relationship itself, what made it wrong was that I tried to fill that emptiness in me or find justification(or approval if it makes more sense) with romantic love when God has really given all the love that I really need. Clearly I have self confidence issues. My priorities were warped, my judgment seriously clouded. God was no longer my first love.

While I think that there wasn't seriously wrong with me having feelings for her, I definitely did not handle the situation right. And it goes to show that God knows what is best. Given how I was so obsessed with it, I definitely wouldn't not have been a good partner, probably controlling and constantly feeling threatened, and it wouldn't not have worked and things would have become sour.

But that's assuming that I even had a chance. And in my human nature, I still question, did I really? Could I have done anything different? What could I have done to sweep her off her feet? But alas, what good is that for me now?

In my weakness, I'm still finding it hard to let go and move on. I still feel like we're good for each other. I still wonder what I could have done to make it work. But at the end of the day I can only pray that God will continue to lead my steps, move my legs, carry me when I can't walk anymore, and hopefully I'll end up where He wants me to be.

Here's to moving on. Carpe Diem.